Are you being Verbally Abused?
Understand their disease. Stop the hurt. Heal the damage.
(this essay adapted from Tears and Healing Reflections)
Are you being verbally abused?
You may not know how to tell, but even worse, you may be thinking that you are the crazy one. Abusers work hard to distort our reality to make their reality feel safer.
So what is verbal abuse? Ask yourself this: does your partner hurt you repeatedly with words? Does he or she do it to satisfy their own emotional needs, or because they're out of control? Does she or he use the situation to lock you in so you have to tolerate it, or make a huge sacrifice to get away? If you see this dynamic in your relationship, you are being verbally abused. The hurt of abuse can come in many ways, including physical attacks, verbal attacks, sexual attacks, withholding things we need including affection, sex, money, or contact with friends and family. Verbal abuse uses words, and often the abuser uses other types of abuse as well.
What is this Disease?
Verbal abuse is a behavior, not a disease. But verbal abuse, like all kinds of abuse, is caused by an underlying disease. Healthy people might occasionally lose their temper, leading to an outburst, but a consistent pattern of hurtful verbal abuse can only be the result of a deeper problem. I help a lot of people come to grips with their hurtful situations, just as I had to come to grips with mine. At first, I thought the problem I faced was verbal abuse, and that's how I first starting finding help. But in my situation, like most, the verbal abuse was only one part of a bigger and more serious situation.
Verbal abuse, and most other types of abuse, is caused by an underlying disorder. Most often, the disorders are
borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or sociopathy - technically called antisocial personality disorder. Understanding what is going on in a verbally abusive situation requires understanding these disorders. This connection leads to what we sometimes call the "light bulb effect", where long-standing confusion and hurt suddenly opens up to an insight - and the first steps to protecting ourselves and to healing.
Stopping the hurt; Healing the Damage -
Dealing with this situation is complex, and people need some idea of "What do I do now that I know this?" For most people, there are important values, beliefs and obligations that have to be carefully thought about.
Because verbal abuse is so damaging to a relationship, significant decisions have to be faced, then resolved.
Tears and Healing holds a light up in this dark place. Written from the inside perspective of someone who has been through the hell of being emotionally and verbally battered by a spouse, this book addresses the major issues that we all must wrestle with.
Tears and Healing begins with the most difficult issue: abusive partners constantly work to distort our perception of what is happening and what is right and wrong, until we doubt our own judgment so much we can't make decisions. It then addresses the process of detaching to find safe space and to regain a sense of right and wrong, and searching to understand what we, as people, need in our lives - needs that often must be simply put aside to survive in these brutal situations. It deals with love, and the conflict of being in love with someone hurtful to us. And it addresses the intense feelings of obligation that many of us have, which keep us locked in situations that are beyond what any person should endure. Tears and Healing is an intensely personal and validating guide through this maze of thoughts and emotions.
Author's Comments
Abuse is when someone else hurts us to serve their own needs and uses the situation to lock us in and maintain control. Abuse can be physical, emotional, verbal or sexual. My own experience was being verbally and emotionally abused. I consider my experience to be particularly brutal because my abuser sought not just control, but to emotionally destroy me.
But no matter the type or intensity of experience, I believe anyone currently in or having escaped from an abusive situation can benefit from my approaches. I worked hard to understand why I felt trapped and how I could escape. I read and studied many books on psychology and relationships. I pieced together the best ideas from these and added insight and models of my own. I've shared my experience and approaches as a mentor in online support communities since 2000. Hundreds of people in these groups have shared with me how unique and helpful my insights are. And thousands more have read and benefited from my online writings.
Getting yourself out of an abusive situation and healing the damage it has done are not small tasks. It takes time and energy. But you also need guidance in what to work on, because abusive partners deliberately distort our reality to serve their sick needs. My books, combined with continued dialog in support communities, can provide that critical compass to navigate the dark passages until the light breaks through.
I wish you good luck and Godspeed.
Richard Skerritt
I am me, and only me. Take me as I am or watch me as I go. I'll be the one to love you the most, but trust me...I won't be the one to stick around forever for you to realize it. I dance in the rain, and cry during chick flicks. I am a girl, I am myself, there is no changing it. Accept me, or don't. I won't change for you, or anyone else. I'm a lover, not a fighter...but I will always fight for what I love and believe in. I wish, I hope, I dream. I am a girl, living this thing we call life
Turn your scars into stars
